


Stains

by leggysik



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst I guess, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Bathing, Not Really lol, Self Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, a mans gotta get clean, as in missa era young, its weird idk, tense changes bc idk how grammar works, they are young boys, toshiya is dumb and kaoru is worried, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-12 20:44:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15348339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leggysik/pseuds/leggysik
Summary: a dumb vent fic !!! sorry





	Stains

**Author's Note:**

> wow I wrote this because I was feeling a little sad so sorry if it’s weird. This is where my brain goes when I’m feeling extra depressed. Also, This is my first fic posted here!! and... i suck at summarizing so uh dont @ me

The act of mutilating and ruining his own skin with a blade momentarily brings a slight relief to his mind. But, also makes it hazy and hard to think. The blood is warm as it runs down his arm and drips into a puddle below him. It’s dark and thick like red syrup, almost looking tasty. Another slice and more blood oozes out and flows down to join the rest. Just like the rest, it leaves a rose red streak as gravity tugs it downward. It’s pretty, he thinks to himself. 

Toshiya sits and waits for the crimson liquid to empty from his hurt arm. His other hand still grasping onto the firm and sharp blade. A soft metallic smell fills the room. That, plus the actual loss of blood, makes him begin to feel dizzy. He lies back and drops the knife next to him, trying to enjoy the quiet. The room is so silent, it’s almost like he can hear his own blood moving. It’s going to stain his sheets, he smiles and rolls over onto his stomach. Once flat on his stomach, Toshiya rubs his arm further into the sheets, so it definitely will stain. The sheets are old anyways. He brings his opposite hand over and runs it through the ever flowing blood. Then, licks it from his fingers, attempting to enjoy his own taste. Even if he really tries, it’s too gross to enjoy; he gags then spits it back out and watches as it lands on his bed. The bloody spit soaks into the fabric, spreading into an odd shape. Funny, he laughs a little. Rolling around, he tries to really focus on the soft, and slightly wet-spotted, fabric he lies on rather than the uncomfortable stinging coming from his arm. It’s so hot in the room. He’s sweating. The sheets are now way more wet then before as they’re being covered in both his sweat and blood. Hot, the word repeated in his head a few times. 

Toshiya figured it would be good to take his shirt off. From a few days of wear, his shirt was dirty, and now had blood on it anyways. He turned over and sat up quicky, too quickly, causing him to become lightheaded then lose his train of thought for a moment. After gaining it back, he removed his damp shirt, his freshly naked torso getting hit with the bedroom’s air. He lied back down.

Toshiya mumbled nonsense to himself, his face squished into the blankets. The words not even making sense to him. Something about the blood and how it was still sorta hot in the room left his lips.

It continued to be silent for a while, but the quiet, dark room suddenly was being filled with light as the door was rudely opened. Toshiya looked over and saw Kaoru’s figure standing in the doorway. The man gasped at what he saw, Toshiya’s half naked body, partially covered in his own blood and sweat, splayed out on the bed before him like some sort of meal. Or, thats what Toshiya thought he looked like. Kaoru probably wouldnt agree on the meal thing. 

“Why did you do this?” Kaoru asked frantically, turning the lights on and coming over to him. Toshiya squinted as the bright light flickered on above them. Kaoru grabbed Toshiya’s arm, which had stopped bleeding a while ago, and pulled him up into a sitting position.

“Why did you do this?” Kaoru repeated himself, looking at Toshiya’s face. He shrugged and briefly focused on the blood on his arm that had stopped flowing and had now began to dry.

“Guess,” Toshiya said nonchalantly, not wanting to tell him his actual answer. He let himself give Kaoru a small smile as he looked back at his face. Kaoru was concerned and looked kind of stupid. Toshiya turned away so he wouldnt have to see him. Instead, he focused on the curtains that covered the window. He wondered what time it was, probably midnight or something, “What’s the time?”

“I don’t know, like two,” Kaoru answered him in a distracted tone, “let me clean this off of you,” He tugged Toshiya’s arm again but he yanked away from the older man. Like a child, Toshiya crossed his arms and shook his head at him.

“No,” whining, Toshiya scooted away from him, “I don’t want to.”

“Please, Toshiya,” he carefully got on the bed and wrapped his arms around the younger man like some sort of protective hug. It’s uncomfortable, Toshiya thinks.  
Toshiya still doesnt look at Kaoru’s face, yet he hears his breath right in his ear. Toshiya cringes, “You breathe loud.”

“Sorry,” Kaoru slightly pulled away from him, his hands still on Toshiya’s shoulders. One of his hands moved to his face, he allows Kaoru to turn his face towards him, “let me wash this off of you,” he gestured at Toshiya’s blood-covered arm. 

He thought about it for a moment, “alright,” Toshiya finally responded.

Slowly Kaoru got up, and held his hand out which Toshiya took in my own. He stood up, his legs wobbly, “I can’t,” he heavily sat back down.

Kaoru sighed and looked down at the him. He probably looks so pathetic right now, Toshiya mentally tells himself.

“I’ll carry you,” he said simply and leaned in close to Toshiya. He nodded and lifted his legs up. Kaoru wrapped one hand around his back and the other under his knees.

Kaoru brought him through the hall and into the bathroom. The lighting in the restroom is so bright, it hurts Toshiya’s eyes when they’re flipped on. Kaoru sat him down on the counter and began untying the tie of his pants, “erotic,” Toshiya whispers. Kaoru ignores him and pulls them off of his legs, taking his boxers off with them. Suddenly being completely exposed to his boyfriend, Toshiya grinned to himself a little.

Still sitting on the counter, He watched as Kaoru turns on the bath water. He slides his hand under the running water, making sure it wont be too hot. After the bath fills up, Kaoru stands and walks back over to the other man. He helps him stand and get into the tub. It’s not as hot as Toshiya would prefer, but he doesnt complain.

Kaoru is too quiet as he grabs a washcloth and soap to clean him with. He’s unnecessarily quiet. Toshiya wonders why Kaoru is still dealing with him. He does things like this too much. He thinks for a moment if Kaoru likes babying him. Probably not. Toshiya tells himself that he thinks too much.

Slowly, almost too slowly, Kaoru begins to wash him. He starts with the cut up arm. it stings, and like a wimp, Toshiya hisses at the pain. He moves to the other arm, then to his neck and chest. The water turns into a bubbly light pink from the mix of soap and blood.

“Why did you do this?” Kaoru finally asks agian, the grip he has on Toshiya’s shoulder tightens.

“I felt like it, I guess,” Toshiya’s answer is vague, he cringes. Kaoru raises an eyebrow and glances at his face. Seeing his face look so worried for him makes Toshiya want to cry. Tears escape his eyes, Toshiya wipes his own face with his left hand, but it doesn’t work and only makes his face more wet, “This is embarrassing,” he states and tries to grab onto the edge of the tub to get out. Kaoru only grabs harder on Toshiays shoulder and holds him to keep him from moving too much.

“This is embarrassing,” Toshiya says again in a louder tone, wondering if Kaoru has even noticed his petty tears.

“Sorry,” Kaoru lessens his grip on Toshiya, “You know, I dont think you’re weak or anything. I really want to help you.”

Toshiya’s heart jumps at the words as they leave Kaoru’s mouth. He suddenly wants to kiss him, but now isnt a good time.

“Why?” Toshiya questions blatantly to draw himself away from his own thoughts.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Kaoru sets the rag down and looks Toshiya directly in the eyes, “I want to help you because I hate seeing you do this shit to yourself,” he grabbed Toshiya’s injured arm again, handling it with more care than before. Kaoru’s eyes held such care and worry, Toshiya was taken aback. 

Toshiya quickly glanced away from Kaoru, “I’m sorry,” he finally said after a long pause. He felt Kaoru’s hand softly take hold of his chin, turning his face back towards him.

“Don’t apologize,” Kaoru carefully stroked his hand up the younger man’s cheek then tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. Kaoru suddenly wrapped his arms around and pulled the thin man against himself, ignoring the fact that his clothes were getting wet from the bath water.

They sat together like that for a few moments, it was enjoyable, but also uncomfortable due to the position, “You should get dried off and dressed,” Kaoru said, pulling away. Toshiya sniffled at the proposal, but nodded in agreement anyways. Then, He stood with the help of the other man’s hand in his.

Wrapped in a bath towel, Toshiya stood by himself in the cool bathroom as Kaoru went to retrieve fresh clothes for him. 

Shortly, He came back into the bathroom and handed Toshiya the clothes. Kaoru himself changed his shirt as the other one got soaked. He left the room again to allow his boyfriend privacy, but Kaoru left the door just a pinch open just in case. It was like everything was moving in slow motion to Toshiya. He felt like he had no stamina to even to something so simple as putting clothes on, but he did anyways. Once they were on, Toshiya watched himself for a moment in the mirror. He sighed and studied his own face. The same face as usual, he told himself and then turned to leave the bathroom.

Toshiya got out to the hallway were Kaoru stood waiting for him. He looked at him, instantly feeling like a bastard. Toshiya was always putting Kaoru through this.

“I’m sorry,” Toshiya said again, looking at his own feet. He couldn’t bare to look at Kaoru.

Kaoru didn’t respond, and simply wrapped loving arms around his boyfriend. After a few moments Kaoru told him, “I want you to get better, okay?”

Toshiya peered at him again and nodded slowly, “I want to for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Message me on my tumblr, vomick, if you want to talk.


End file.
